Ep. 4 – The “Brain Hack” Series: Making Time for Your Creative Self
COMPOSURE author Kate Purmal takes host Drew Tweedy through a special conversation this week. This is the first in a series of “brain hacks” we’ll be releasing in the coming weeks.
As an executive coach, Kate regularly uses this exercise to help her clients find greater success and resourcefulness in the areas of their lives where they’re really struggling. Now, she’s bringing the “brain hack” to the airwaves!
Read A Simple “Brain Hack" to Loosen the Grip of your Perfectionism — The COMPOSURE Blog ➞
This conversation focuses on Drew’s struggles to make time for the creative pursuits that bring him joy. His anxiety has been getting in the way, and as he puts it, he’s “ignoring what fills his cup.” Kate helps Drew create a negotiation between his creativity and his anxiety, recognizing the benefits of each part of him so they can come to an agreement that fulfills both of their desired outcomes.
Below is a transcript of the episode, edited for clarity.
Drew Tweedy
Hey everyone, and welcome back to the COMPOSURE Podcast. I'm your host, Drew Tweedy. We took a little break leading up to the holiday, so we're really excited to be back in action today with our fourth episode. This one's gonna be a little different from what we've done before. So before we dive in, I want to give you a bit of a primer on what we're going to do.
This is the first episode of a series we'll be releasing over the next several weeks. This special set of episodes will consist of coaching sessions from COMPOSURE author Kate Purmal, where she'll take her guests through an exercise she calls a "brain hack." What that really means is Kate will help identify an area of our guests' lives where they're struggling, or they'd just like to be more resourceful, then she helps them radically shift their mindset around that issue.
The results, quite frankly, are pretty incredible. Kate's brain hack exercise takes our guests through this process of mindfulness and self compassion. And the end result tends to be one of a huge boost in self confidence in the ways they're able to handle their toughest obstacles.
We'll have some incredible guests joining us for this series. But as an introduction to the concept, our first guest to have their brain hacked is... well, it's me. I was the willing guinea pig here. And I have to say I was nervous going into it. But I ended up really enjoying it. And I learned a lot from it. The conversation that follows is a good one - it's full of self reflection and self compassion. Kate really helped me work through a problem I've been struggling with, and I hope my own revelations are helpful in the lives of everyone listening. So let's dive into it. I hope you enjoy.
Kate Purmal
Well, hey, Drew, are you excited to jump into a brain hack today?
Drew Tweedy
I'm very excited to have my brain hacked!
Kate Purmal
I swear it's painless. It's actually all virtual. So you know, you usually feel significantly better and even different on the back end.
Drew Tweedy
That's what I was hoping for. Sounds like I might need a little rest on the back end, though.
Kate Purmal
So, what we'd like to do is work on something that is up for you, where you would like a shift to occur, you'd like something to be different in your life, or there's something that's bothering you that's triggering you and you'd like to, you know, reduce the triggers. So tell me, what are you thinking about in that context?
Drew Tweedy
That's a really good question. Something I've been thinking about a lot recently has been my trouble in making time for creative activities. I really like to shoot photography, I sketch, I collage, journal, creative writing... all kinds of different stuff. And it really fuels me and it's really good for me. I find that I'm most in flow, and I'm most energized when I'm making time for that. But I've really been struggling to do that recently. So shifting that could be really good.
Kate Purmal
Okay, so when you shift that, and when you're into a place where you're doing more of that, how will you know that that's shifted?
Drew Tweedy
I think the biggest thing for me now, in terms of why I'm not prioritizing it, is because I don't feel productive. When I'm doing creative stuff, I don't feel as though it's the most productive or most selfless use of my time. I guess I feel selfish when I'm doing that, where I'm not working enough hours, or I'm not doing enough around the house or taking care of the dog or whatever it may be. To answer your question there, when that shift occurs, I will feel much more centered in doing it and much more confident that is good for me and good for everybody else around me when I'm giving myself the space to do that.
Kate Purmal
Okay, great. Thank you so much for that. This will resonate so much with our listeners. So one serious thing that we've seen, particularly post-pandemic, is this incredible starvation for self care. And yet, really, people are struggling with how to do that because they've got greater demands from their families and or greater demands from work and more, less reliable time on and off, the boundaries have blurred. So this idea of creative time for you equates I'm imagining to self care, it's refueling your reserves, etc.
There's another piece here that I want to bring up. What we know is that joy is a high high octane way to refill your tank when it's empty. It's different than just doing self care, it's different than taking time to meditate or do yoga or run or walk because it has a higher energetic component to it. And so therefore, it's like it fills you. It's like those, you know, those hydro boosters that you can put in your water and you can absorb so much more water? So if you can integrate joy into your life, it has a significantly greater impact on your feeling of being full and capable of handling other things.
Drew Tweedy
That's a good way of putting it. I feel like I'm not clear on how to fill my cup.
Kate Purmal
Yeah. And I'm imagining the things you're talking about the creative things, you're talking about the writing the collaging, the sketching, the photography, brings you joy. Is that fair to say?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah, absolutely. And I think I get more of an inner calm, I feel a lot more relaxed, I feel less anxious, when I'm giving myself time to do that. I finally made time last weekend to just go sit outside in this little courtyard and gave myself 45 minutes to sketch the shadow on a wall. And it felt so luxurious. You know, I felt like I was really treating myself. And so yeah, it was a moment of self care. But as I was sitting out there by myself, just sort of sitting in that LA sunshine that we have in November — it was very joyous.
Kate Purmal
Love that. I love that image. And when you have done that, what do you notice in the aftermath of that about what follows, given that you've had that moment of joy, and that really fulfilling creative moment?
Drew Tweedy
I think I'm nicer. When I feel more anxiety, I don't think I'm the nicest version of myself. So I think that that that's definitely a big shift when I feel centered in that way. My energy levels go up in a really positive way. And I think I'm more kind.
Kate Purmal
So the permission to do this, or the ability to grant yourself permission to do this... When you think about the things in your life that you're obligated to do or responsible for that potentially keep you from doing that, what sort of the categories of things do they fall into?
Drew Tweedy
Good question. I think a lot of it has to do with work, but we have different categories of work, right? So right now I'm I'm contracting with a bunch of different clients. And I think there are two parts to that. Number one is committing the time necessary to each client. And number two, making sure that I'm committing the time to myself to find my next client so that whenever each contract does end, I have something else lined up.
I also feel an obligation, well, more of a responsibility to do the stuff around the house that we all need to do, whether it's cleaning the floor, or feeding the dog or cooking dinner, or you know, cleaning out the closets... there always is something more to do in that sense. And then other forms of self care are relevant, too. I'm an active person. And we only have so many hours in the day. So whether it's taking care of myself with cooking or finding a new recipe, taking care of myself by going on a run, or taking care of myself with my creative pursuits. There are all these different categories of things that I could, or sometimes I think I should, be doing, and there just aren't enough hours in the day. And that just totally triggers my anxiety.
Kate Purmal
Okay, that's great. Thank you. So you have a lot of things competing for your time. And what's happening as a result, for some reason, these creative endeavors of yours are being put at the bottom of the priority pile. Is that right? And if, when you do them, what do you notice about your ability to fulfill these other demands for your time? Is it really a zero sum game? If I do this? I can't do that. Is that how it is? When you think about it in in life?
Drew Tweedy
My logic brain says no, my emotional brain says yes — one replaces the other. But I think logically I know it to be true, especially because if I have more joy, I feel more energy and thus can give myself the time and feel compelled to do all the extra stuff that I was talking about. So whenever I do give myself the time, I do make the time to be creative. I think I'm more productive with all the other stuff. It's just that my anxiety brain tells me that that's not not the truth.
Kate Purmal
Okay, great. So thank you, you just handed me the perfect thing to work with for this brain hack. We're going to do a brain hack that involves creating a clone of yourself. And this clone is like you in every single way, has all the same life experiences that you do. But that anxiety brain part is a clone. We're going to excise that out.
So just get rid of it. It's gone. First of all, I'm going to ask you to sit the clone down next to you. Can you see him there without that anxiety piece? So we know he's like you in every way, same responsibilities, same life experiences, same need to make money, same everything. But somehow he manages to do something different with his creative life? Does he do something different with his creative life? Does he do more creative stuff?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah.
Kate Purmal
He does. Okay, so look over him. And I want you to just talk to me about how maybe his day even starts out differently than yours. Tell me about how he starts his day.
Drew Tweedy
He doesn't wake up and make a to do list.
Kate Purmal
And what does he do instead?
Drew Tweedy
Instead, he does whatever he wants to do, because he wants to do it.
Kate Purmal
Okay, now, he still has to make money, right? And he still has to fulfill his responsibilities around the house, the dog still has to be fed. Whatever. So in the beginning, he gets up and does what he wants, but presumably finds time to do the other stuff during his day. Is that true?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah, I think it's a matter of respecting his own time there when, like I love — and thus he loves — my mornings. And I think that oftentimes, I, in anxiety brain, try to capitalize on the mornings, because it's when my brain works the best. And I'm like, I should be spending this really productive hour or two where my brain is high functioning, on work projects, or making sure I can be laser focused on organizing this bookshelf or whatever it may be. But instead, my clone, he has more respect for the things that fill his cup, and give him joy. And I think that manifests as taking time, especially in the mornings to do whatever creative pursuits he would like.
Kate Purmal
So he does that first is sort of like that savings philosophy. You pay yourself first, and then you pay your bills. And does he still get stuff done? Still a very productive guy as much as you would get done with your anxiety brain in charge.
Drew Tweedy
The way I see it, actually, maybe more.
Kate Purmal
So, let me ask you this. What is it that he believes to be true that allows him to do that, that you may not believe to be true.
Drew Tweedy
I think he probably believes that he deserves the time.
Kate Purmal
He deserves it. And how does he know that? What lets him know that he deserves that time?
Drew Tweedy
Maybe just the idea that he can still get everything else done. And people around him believe that.
Kate Purmal
So he believes that he can put himself first and get everything else done. And that the important people in his life believe that as well.
Drew Tweedy
That might be even a more important point there is more of like his perception of what other people believe about him.
Kate Purmal
Is it true that other people think that he's productive, that other people think he can put himself first and trust him or believe that he'll still get stuff done? What he needs to get done and contribute in the way he needs to contribute?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah.
Kate Purmal
How is it that anxiety brain Drew doesn't see that? How is it that they have such a different perspective?
Drew Tweedy
My anxiety brain... he's pretty powerful guy.
Kate Purmal
He's loud!
Drew Tweedy
Hah. Really loud, he's like, really in my face all the time. And so I think it's more a matter of like, I have this option of which brain to select and listen to. And I just more often than not select the angry anxiety brain that believes all of these other less productive things about myself.
Kate Purmal
Okay, so let's step back for a second. We know that you didn't get where you are by ignoring your anxiety brain. Yeah, in fact, I suspect that your anxiety plans played a really important role for you throughout your life. Is that fair to say?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah, I guess. I guess that's true. I was sitting here thinking that you're gonna tell me that to abandon him! Yeah, yeah. He's been he's been helpful in a lot of ways in terms of motivating me.
Kate Purmal
So what he wants for you is he wants to amp up the anxiety a little bit, so you get motivated and you act, right? Because in the past, he's proven successful over and over again. So let's just ask this question. Let's say we put relaxed brain Drew in charge six months ago, and we sent anxiety brain Drew on vacation, and he couldn't come back. And so let's just imagine that that six months ago, the relaxed Drew was subbed in for anxiety brain Drew. When you think about the past six months, and what's transpired and what you've accomplished, and how you've shown up for people — how would that have been different with relaxed Drew in place where might balls have dropped or what might have gone awry?
Drew Tweedy
It's actually a really helpful timeframe. Because right around six months ago, the company I was working for was kind of falling apart. And I was under this constant threat of losing my job and not getting my next paycheck. So obviously, that didn't exactly lend itself to low anxiety levels.
Kate Purmal
Yeah, anxiety Drew took over. And now he's drinking too much coffee!
Drew Tweedy
Oh, he was loud. He was proud. He was very much in charge of what was going on. I think if he weren't there, I would have dropped the ball on a lot of stuff. Because I kind of had to do the simultaneous work of looking for other jobs while also trying to still do my job while I had it. And then with both of those things going on, taking care of that other stuff around the house became even harder than it usually is. And the only way that I felt that I could do it was if I was just constantly on from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I was being productive because I was just under what I felt like was a mountain of responsibilities and things that were easy triggers for anxiety and stress.
Kate Purmal
Okay, can we give relaxed Drew a bit of a rebuttal here? Does he get to rebut that perspective? So let me do this. I'd like you just to imagine stepping into relaxed Drew, putting your fingers through his finger slots and your toes through his toe slots, breathing through his lungs, and looking through his eyes.
Remember, anxiety brain's gone? Not even there. That is not a motivational strategy that he uses to get stuff done. And he gets stuff done somehow. We don't know how but he does. He doesn't use anxiety as his tactic to motivate him to get stuff done. So let's have him reflect on how he would have managed (meaning you) because you're now relaxed Drew. How would have you, relaxed Drew, have managed that particular timeframe, in a way that still honored this desire and need for being for having creativity and joy?
Drew Tweedy
I think there's just so much more trust in that brain of mine. Trust in outcomes, trust in good things coming. When I have had a stronger creative brain and a weaker anxiety brain, at the times where I've had a better balance there, I've been able to relax a lot more, and spend time doing the things that I wanted to do creatively, while not really sweating all the other stuff. Now, the floors may not have been quite as clean during those times. And I may not have made as much money or been networking as much, or whatever it may be. But I think a lot of things have just come to me more naturally when I have that trust, rather than trying to beat my head against the wall to make everything happen. I find that it's actually much harder to make things happen when I am putting those pressures on myself.
Kate Purmal
You know, a common example from my life is when I've got some presentation or something coming up, that I have to do, my logical brain wants to put that into a really nice, neat timeframe and say I'm going to work on it for this week, I'll have it done three days before, so I can tweak it.
But oftentimes, I just don't feel the inspiration to start it. And yet, if I force myself to do it, then I, you know, I'm spending all this time that may or may not be productive to get it done, because I'm not in that creative space. So the first time I experimented with this, I decided on what is the absolute last moment that I can start on this with in order to finish it. And this was a presentation on Monday, it was Sunday at 6pm. So I granted myself permission to wait until Sunday at 6pm to start creating this presentation.
And that was maybe on a Wednesday. Friday morning, I woke up at six in the morning. And I it all came to me. And in 45 minutes it was done. There's something to be said for following your impulse. When I was writing COMPOSURE, I would go out and listen to On Being podcasts, because they inspired me. When you're trying to write it feels a little orthogonal to go out on a long walk and listen to a podcast. And yet, the net effect of that was really different. So I would imagine that there's more toil, more time, associated with anxiety brain Drew, than relaxed brain Drew. And that's part of the magic, right? Just because anxiety brain can't see it, doesn't believe it, doesn't trust it. But relaxed brain Drew does. Is that fair to say?
Drew Tweedy
Yeah, definitely. When I was in high school and college, I was a fine student. But I wasn't a super overachiever necessarily. I was one of those students who calculated at the end of the semester exactly what grade I needed to get to hit an A in the class. And that could have been like, 40% on the final at times — so that's what I shot for.
But I knew that the end result was making sure that I had invested enough in the class. I trusted that I had invested enough in the class over those 15 weeks, that I got everything I needed to out of that class. And I felt that that was good enough. I feel like that's when creative brain Drew steps in and says you have time to read your book, or journal or write a short story or whatever it may be. And I felt energized enough to go make all of these other different choices and confident enough to make all these other different choices in my life. And when anxiety brain Drew is in charge, none of those options are on the table.
Kate Purmal
So let's have a little dialogue between anxiety brain Drew and relaxed brain Drew, because we can. We've hacked your brain so that you can go in between the two and speak for both of them.
So anxiety brain Drew says wait a minute. I've been charged for the last 26 years. And you know what, I'm still alive. And I've done pretty well. I have a good life. Things have gone pretty well. You haven't been in charge. I'm not so sure this whole trust thing's gonna fly, right? So all we want to do is find a way for anxiety brain Drew to achieve his desired outcomes in a way that's more aligned with what creative brain Drew would like, which is to have some more creative time.
So let's see if the two of them can negotiate something. Let's start with anxiety brain Drew. You obviously don't want to go on vacation, anxiety brain Drew, and let the relaxed, trusting brain Drew be in charge. So what are you willing to explore and experiment with in terms of ways to find a different approach that's more aligned with that outcome?
Drew Tweedy
Start small maybe, to let creative brain Drew step in for a certain amount of time, every morning. And if it goes well, then we can increase that time, and maybe even bookend it with some time in the evening. But that's farther down the line. For now, we can start with 30 minutes. And if that works, for a week, then we can increase to 45 minutes and see how that goes. But for now, the first ask is 30 minutes every morning, creative brain Drew is in charge.
Kate Purmal
Now let's just pick a time in the future when it'll be kind of a normal day. And I want you to just think about how that day might go now, with this agreement in place where the two of them are collaborating actively and experimenting together. How does that go?
Drew Tweedy
I think the compromise that creative brain makes with anxiety brain is allowing anxiety brain to wake up a little bit earlier. So I give myself a little bit extra time in the morning, where each side can kind of feel better about it. I wake up extra bit earlier. Maybe I journal, maybe I work on a short story. Maybe I edit my photos, you know, whatever it may be. And I spend the 30 minutes doing that, I have that protected time. And while I'm doing that, I'm not thinking about getting in the shower or doing the dishes or worrying about all of the other things that I could be worrying about. And I certainly don't make a to do list during those 30 minutes.
Kate Purmal
Perfect. You've identified that act of creating a to do list as being one anxiety brain Drew loves. Not that we're not going to do it at all, but we're not going to do it just then. I get the sense that when you do this, it's just more gentle. It's a way to start your day that leaves you feeling a little more grounded. So that when it is time creative brain Drew is less resentful of anxiety brain Drew, the taskmaster, making the to do list.
Drew Tweedy
Less resentful. Yes, creative brain is very resentful.
Kate Purmal
I'm curious, but I suspect that the only way creative brain Drew got to be in charge was when anxiety brain Drew went over the edge and he shut anxiety brain Drew down and said, you're out of here! I'm going to do this, like all in, fully indulgent. Is that true?
Drew Tweedy
It was pretty binary, yeah.
Kate Purmal
What's happening here is we're using this brain hack to explore both of these things that have been an internal conflict for you. And rather than having them constantly fighting for power, which is what they were doing right now, the idea is to allow them to begin to experiment in small ways.
I think that's really brilliant how you did that. And now that's going to happen in neurological pathways and in information exchange between the two hemispheres of your brain naturally now that they're sort of open up to each other. You haven't made one the bad guy in one way or the good guy. You could have done that. But we have acknowledged the importance of anxiety brain Drew, but do so in a way that allows more of that creative self to come forth.
Drew Tweedy
That whole idea of treating an emotion as a version of myself and having (maybe not its opposite) but a competing force within myself as a separate person, then treating it as a as a negotiation or a conversation, is helpful. I tend to listen to one or the other. And it's very, very binary. But thinking about a choice that I make tomorrow morning, not as giving one up or the other, but as a negotiation is super helpful. I feel like my brain has been hacked!
Kate Purmal
And you can always invite them to come to negotiate. Thank you Drew, that was really beautiful. Just allow those things to integrate into you, they're swirling in your system now in very interesting ways. And over the course of the, you know, hours and days and weeks to come, they'll continue to swirl in a way that hopefully will bring you to a more peaceful place when it comes to those two competing desires.
Drew Tweedy
I'm looking forward to the negotiations to come.
Kate Purmal
Yeah, we'll check in in a couple of weeks and see how it went. Thank you.
Drew Tweedy
Thanks.
